June 6, 2009
I had a dream last night. I’m not sure of its significance, if any. I probably had many of them, but this is the one I had right before I woke up.
The place reminded me of where I used to live in North Park on 38th Street, but it wasn’t the same. I was in the empty house next door to our old house, looking into my back yard. I was just watching, trying not to be noticed. There were several people there in the back yard I was watching. I don’t remember their faces and I couldn’t call out their names, but I felt that they were people who knew me and were comfortable around me, and I was at easy with them around. I guess there were like 4-5 people there, just chilling out and talking. Then one of them saw me and said, “Paul’s pretty mad at you right now. You might want to leave before he sees you.”
First of all, Paul is, or maybe was, my step-dad. I’m not sure if they are still married. Here, in this dream, evidently he is still married to my mom. Secondly, when they said he was mad at me, it wasn’t a surprise to me. It was as if I knew he would be and understood why, though I could not currently tell you the reason. In my dream, it was expected.
Some of the people come to me in the house I was at and were trying to convince me to leave because they didn’t want me to get hurt.
My step dad is a big, ex-marine. His “first strike” in California (they have a three strikes you’re out policy as far as arrests go) was Assault with a Deadly Weapon, even though the charge was due to him getting into a fight with another cadet bare handed. He’s the type of person who is very charismatic and uses diplomacy to convince people to do what he wants, but when that doesn’t work, he switches to what he’s even better at; intimidation. He’s punched me before. Not hard—I could tell he held back. He was just trying to prove a point. I knew the danger in having Paul mad at me, but I was still there for some reason.
Paul came out of the house and saw me and said something. I don’t remember what he said, but he came after me and I could tell it wasn’t a happy face he shot my way. The people around me were compelling me to go out the front door, so I did. Paul met me out there and by this time there were a bunch of people all around. I don’t remember my mom being there. I was face to face with him in the middle of the street. He was bouncing around with his fists up, like a boxer. He was saying some stuff in a way to built it up, I guess justify, in his mind at least, this fight. He was ready to knock me out.
I said to him, “I’m not afraid of you.” He kept bouncing in and out and mock swinging while I spoke. I continued talking about him and how he uses intimidation to bully people around. He kept just bouncing around, ready to just lay one on me. Then I looked him in the eye and said, “Come on then. I’m not scared of you. I’m stronger than you. Maybe not physically, but mentally I am. I can take anything you dish out. But know this; I needed you in my life. To show me what it’s like to be a man. To show me how to be strong. To prepare me for life. But you needed me too. To show you how to be real. To show you how to be sensitive. To know that you can be accepted for who you are, not who you pretend to be. To understand that emotions are not weak. To demonstrate to you compassion. And I am thankful for our relationship, for we both needed each other.”
While I was talking, he slowed down, and as I got to that part, he stopped and broke down to tears. I embraced him in a hug and said, “I love you.” I wasn’t looking around, but I could sense that I was surrounded by blank stares of disbelief. They were expecting a fight, and more specifically, for me to lose. But once again, love conquers all.
Then I woke up.
Something to note is that Paul and I have never spoken like that to each other. That is not the relationship we have and I do not think I have even seen him all that emotional or open. I doubt we’ve even really hugged before. He’s always had that “macho man” tough guy persona. So for me to have this dream was extremely odd.